One Good Scare Ought to Do It!/Transcript

(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house. Candace is shown in her room, talking to a banana as if it were a phone.)
Candace: Hello. Is this the Johnson residence? I'd like to speak to Jeremy Johnson. This is Candace Flynn. Why am I calling, you ask? Because I have a question about our algebra assignment. Thank you, I'll hold. Okay, okay, let's see. opening jokes, opening jokes. Hey there, Jeremy! This is Candace Flynn. So what do you get when you cross a yak and a martian?
Linda: Honey, could I interrupt for just a sec?
Candace: Why, Jeremy Johnson, did you just call me "Honey"?
Linda: No, Candace. I just want to tell you I'm off to my book club. I left a phone number on the fridge in case of emergency. And Candace, honey.
Candace: Yes, Mom?
Linda: I hope you're not planning on talking to that banana all afternoon.

(Cuts to the backyard where Phineas is wearing a Mexican sombrero.)
Phineas: Ladies and Platypuses, introducing the latest party craze to sweep the nation: The amazing mariachi tree!
(Mariachi music plays with 5 band members playing beautiful. Ferb is shown in the highest branch. He leans backwards too much as he blows the trumpet, which makes him loses his balance, fall off and crash offscreen onto the other band members. Phineas cringes his eyes as Ferb and the members crash on the ground groaning in pain.)
Phineas: I think the lesson here is never drink so much chocolate milk before planning our day's activity. (At Mariachi band as the members leave) Bye, guys. Sorry. Good work there, though. There's that smile, Arturo. Gracias.
Isabella: (walks in) Hi, Phineas.
Phineas: Oh. Hi, Isabella.
Isabella: Whatcha do-- (Hiccups)
Phineas: Are you okay?
Isabella: Yeah. I just came by to see whatcha do-- (Hiccups) --ing.
Phineas: Wow. That's a bad case of the hiccups you got there.
Isabella: I know. They're driving me crazy. (Hiccups)
Phineas: Not to fear, Isabella. Ferb and I will help you cure your hiccups.
Isabella: (Hiccups)
Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?

(Cut to Perry; he goes in a trash can, but comes back out with trash all over him, he goes in the other can that serves as the secret entrance.)
Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz is on the move. We tracked him to these coordinates when we suddenly lost his signal. We have two scenarios to explain his disappearance. First, that magical elves have caused Dr. Doofenshmirtz to vanish to the land of angry corn people. The second, is that he may be on his secret, hideout-shaped island with the initial "D" carved into it that satellites found in the exact, spot, where he. vanished. uh, you know what? Uh, forget the magical elves thing. Way off base with that. Anyway, on your way, Agent P.
(Perry gets in his hovercraft and rides off as his theme song plays.)

(Song: "Perry the Platypus Theme")
♪ Doo be doo be doo ba (X4) ♪
♪ Perry! ♪
♪ He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action ♪
♪ Doo be doo be doo ba, doo be doo be doo ba ♪
♪ He's a furry little flatfoot who'll never flinch from a fray-ay-ay ♪
♪ He's got more that just mad skill ♪
♪ He's got a beaver tail and a bill ♪
♪ And the women swoon whenever they hear him say ♪
(Perry chatters, women faint.)
♪ He's Perry! ♪
♪ Perry the Platypus! ♪
Major Monogram: But you can call him Agent P.
♪ Perry! ♪
Major Monogram: I said you can call him Agent P.
♪ Agent P! ♪

(Cuts back to the backyard.)
Phineas: Okay, Isabella. The best way to cure the hiccups is to scare them away. So what scares you?
Isabella: Hmm. (Hiccups) Well, there was this haunted house at the state fair-- (Hiccups) that was pretty scary.
Phineas: That's it! Ferb and I are gonna make you the scariest haunted house ever! (Organ) With zombies, and werewolves, and ghosts, and vampires, and witches!
(Candace, suspicious, is standing right next to him.)
Candace: (Clears throat)
Phineas: Oh, hey, Candace.
Candace: Phineas! The only way you're building a haunted house in this backyard is over my dead body.
Phineas: (Dracula voice) That's the idea. Blah!
Candace: That's it, you little psycho. I'm calling Mom. (she slams the door; then opens it.) And I am NOT using the banana this time! (she slams the door again.)
(Pause.)
Phineas: You guys heard that, right? It wasn't just me?

(Inside)
Candace: Build a haunted house, my foot! (Phone dialing) They're so busted. Yes, hello. This is an emergency. I'd like to speak with Linda Flynn. To whom am I presently speaking?
Jeremy: Uh, Jeremy, that's whom.
Candace: J-J-Jeremy?! (Stammers) Jeremy who?
Jeremy: Jeremy Johnson. My Mom's hosting a book club today, who is this?
Candace: We seem to be breaking up. I-I'm going into a tunnel. Sunspots, I-- ¡No habla español!
(Dial tone; Candace covers her mouth in embarrassment)

(Cut to:)
♪ Doofenshmirtz's hideout-shaped island! ♪
(Perry drops from a plane and glides to the roof and climbs in. As he is looking around he is trapped by a crate)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus? HERE? How could this be? (Gasps) I'm shocked. (walks over to a map of the ocean with his hideout on it, then a series of diagrams) I mean, it would have taken a total evil mastermind to have guessed that you'd track me to this point, find the secret hide-out, glide in under the radar and infiltrate through this access vent, make your way over to this crate, activating my automatic arm and leg restraints. Oh, right here? This is the part where I get all sarcastic and pretend you surprise me. "OH, PERRY THE PLATYPUS. HOW? WHAT THE? WHO THE? WHY THE. " Oh! . Finally ending here, when I finish showing you my brilliant plan. You see Perry the Platypus, this secret hideout doesn't actually belong to me. It belonged to my mentor, Professor Destructicon, Kevin, to his friends. (His baton bounces away) Sadly, he was just captured in the midst of his latest plan to set fire to the sun! Redundant, perhaps. But before they locked him away, Kevin asked a favor of me: To prevent them from discovering his hidden lair and all its secrets, would I please SET FIRE TO THE SUN! And I was like, dude, you really got to let that one go, it's-it's a ball of fire! It makes no sense. So he asked me instead to simply destroy his hide-out, which I will now do, using my new Disintevaporator. (Clears throat; Dramatic music) And you, Perry the Platypus, will now be disintevaporated along with it! (Laughs maniacally)

(Cut back to Candace.)
Candace: Okay, just breathe and relax. (Sighs) Let's try this again. (She picks up the phone.) Hi. Uh, Linda Flynn, please. But if she's too busy, uh, then maybe there's someone else who can deliver her a message. Maybe someone in their teens!
Girl: Uh, who is this?
Candace: This is Candace. Candace Flynn. And who is this?
Suzy: I'm Suzy, Jeremy's little sister.
Candace: Well, it is such a pleasure to meet you on the--
Suzy: You called for Jeremy, didn't you?
Candace: Jeremy? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Suzy: You say you want your Mom, but you really want Jeremy. Isn't that right?
Candace: That's not true.
Suzy: I'm sorry, (Paper crinkling) We seem to be breaking up.
Candace: Stop crinkling paper! I know that trick!
Suzy: Bye bye.
Candace: Wait, wait, wait! It's true. I want to speak to Jeremy.
Suzy: I thought so. (At Jeremy) Jeremy, some girl's on the phone for you! (At Candace via phone) But never, ever forget, I am, and always will be Jeremy's favorite girl. Got it?
Candace: Mmm-hmm. Yes.
Jeremy: I got it, my favorite girl. (At Candace via phone) Jeremy here.
Candace: (Gasps) Jeremy!
Jeremy: Candace?
Candace: Uh, yeah, yeah, it's me. (Giggling)
Jeremy: Hey, you know, your mom's over here for the book club.
Candace: Oh, yeah. Well, I just have this silly question to ask her.
Jeremy: Well, they're breaking for coffee. (Jazz music) Wanna come over? We can hang out.
Candace: (Screams; which is heard by Phineas and Ferb)
Phineas: That was great, Ferb. But you should really save those screams for later, when the house is up and running.
Candace: Uh, I-- I mean, sure.
Jeremy: Cool. See you in about 20 minutes? (Hangs up)
Candace: (Faints)

(Cut back to Destructicon's hideout)
Doofenshmirtz: Now I'll just load up a few things that Professor Destructicon let me store here. If there's one thing Kevin understood, it was closet space. Now, I'll just, uh, grab my keys to the escape jet, and, uh. Hmm. I could've sworn I put them in my lab coat. Oh, they're probably over here on the computer console. no. Ah, the kitchen. Hello? Keys? (Laughs) This is a little bit awkward, but have you seen my escape jet keys? (Perry nods) What? You have? Well, that's great! Where are they? (Perry turns his head away, refusing to tell him) You won't tell me? Is this because you don't speak, or are you just being a jerk?

(Cut to Candace in a room with clothes spilled all over the floor; construction can be seen through the window.)
Candace: Oh, I can't believe it. I'm finally going to Jeremy's house. Okay, now, what would the perfect look be? (Gasps) I know: "Girl next door meets pop diva meets Hollywood bad girl crossed with an old school glamor goddess"! (Crash) Now I just gotta find the finishing touch. (She later goes outside dressed in a white t-shirt with a red flower on it, brown boots, a long green scarf, designer bootcut jeans with no back pockets, a white belt with a gold buckle and her bike helmet) Hey, boys! I'm off to the Johnson's book club. Jeremy invited me over.
Phineas: Um, when you see Mom, could you tell her some snakes got lost in the house?
(Blade sharpener stops)
Candace: Okay! You boys have fun. See ya!
Phineas: Okay, troops. Thanks for coming on such short notice. Buford, I know this is cutting into your canasta game.
Buford: This better be good, pointy.
Phineas: Oh, it is. Isabella has been cursed. (Everyone gasps) . with hiccups! (Everyone groans) Worse case I've ever seen. We're building this haunted house to scare the hiccups out of her. To do so, we must dig deep into those terrible places any sane man shoves into the darkest, twisted corners of his mind. Each of you must find out what scares you the most. As you can see, today we're building a haunted house, electronically controlled by this giant organ. Every room is monitored on these screens. And by playing the keys. (Organ plays flinging Ferb into the roof of the house) . I can trigger all sorts of surprises. So with your help, my friends, we can build this house with enough horror to destroy the involuntary contraction (Ferb comes out) of Isabella's diaphragm muscle once and for all! (applause) Oh, there you are, Ferb. (to crowd) Okay, people, let's get our scare on.

(Cut back to:)
♪ Doofenshmirtz's mentor's hideout! ♪
Doofenshmirtz: Am I getting warmer? Hmm? (Laughs) The sofa. My keys fell between the cushions, right? Uh, no. Oh, come on! I defeated you fair and square, Perry the Platypus! Why can't you accept your death with dignity and maturity and play "You're getting hot or cold" with me? Fine, be that way. I'll find my keys myself and teach you the meaning of grace under fire. (Disintevaporator beeps) Please! I'll do anything! Oh, for the love of Great Caesar's ghost, what would you have me do? (Perry smiles coyly; Doof is then seen balancing plates on poles while standing on a ball; he then falls off)

(Song: "It's Candace")
♪ La, la, la, la, la (X2) ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Who's that girl going down the street? ♪
♪ It's Candace (Candace) ♪
♪ She's the girl next door who's a pop diva by day and a Hollywood bad girl by night crossed with an old school glamour goddess I'd like to meet ♪
♪ It's Candace (Candace) ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la (X2) ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
(As Candace stops in front of the Johnson's house, Suzy smiles evilly and points to Candace as she bends over to take off her helmet. Her poodle then charges at Candace and bites her on the butt)
Candace: (Screams) Oh, help somebody! Oh, get it off me! These are designer jeans! (She sees Suzy near the sprinkler handle) Wait, what are you doing? (She turns the handle turning on the sprinklers and getting Candace wet and her hair soggy. She screams) No, no! Ah! My hair! Help! No-- (She falls in the mud) Huh? (Suzy laughs maniacally as she makes her toy truck spray mud all over Candace’s face and hair) Ahh! Why are you doing this to me?
Suzy: (Laughing maniacally)
Jeremy: Suzy? What's going on out here? (sees Candace lying in the mud with the poodle still biting at her jeans) Candace?
Candace: Oh, uh, hi, Jeremy.
Suzy: Upsies!
Candace: Wait, no! Don't pick her up! She's evil! Evil! Can't you see? She's out to get me! She did this to me!
Jeremy: (Laughs) What are you talking about? Little Suzy wouldn't hurt a fly.
Suzy: (Giggles) Ba-ba.
Candace: No! She's trying to get rid of me! Can't you see? I can't take it!
Jeremy: Wait, Candace!
Candace: No! If you can't see it, I should leave while I still have a shred of dignity left(Candace puts on her helmet with the poodle now biting it and rides aways sad).
Jeremy: Candace, come back!
Suzy: Bye bye.

Isabella: Hi, Phineas. Whatcha do. Ph--Phineas? (She hiccups and sees the haunted house and bats flying over it, she then sees something that makes her scream in utter terror)

Part II [ ]

(Scene opens up showing the top of the haunted house. It pans down to Isabella who is scared to see a monster costume; she then hiccups)
Isabella: Darn. It didn't work, Phineas. (Phineas comes out of the costume) What else you got?
Phineas: Oh, we've got plenty, if you're up for it.
Isabella: I-- (Hiccups) g-g-guess so.
(Ferb is seen dressed like Frankenstein’s monster and playing an organ)

(Song: "One Good Scare")
Phineas: ♪ Come, let's tiptoe into the dark ♪
♪ One good scare ought to do ya! ♪
♪ You'll find our bite much worse than our bark ♪
(Howling)
♪ One good scare ought to do ya some good! ♪
♪ If you should find the daily grind a tad bit taxing on the mind ♪
♪ To help unwind, if so inclined ♪
♪ I have a small suggestion ♪
♪ That if you dare into my lair, you should prepare for quite a scare! ♪
♪ But "Will you share in this nightmare?" would be my only question ♪

(They enter a room and see Baljeet dressed as a test)
Baljeet: Boo, boo, I say!
Phineas: Baljeet?
Baljeet: Oh, I am not Baljeet. I am the scariest thing known to man, a failed math test.
Phineas: Yeah, right. We're just gonna move on now.
Baljeet: You can run, but it won't be to the college of your choice, I tell you!

Phineas: ♪ If your hair lies lifeless and limp ♪
♪ One good scare ought to do ya! ♪
(Screaming)
♪ Come with me, now, don't be a wimp! ♪
♪ One little scare ought to do ya some good ♪

(They enter another room)
Phineas: Hello? Buford?
Buford: Behold; the face of evil. (reveals himself to be dressed as Suzy Johnson)
Phineas: Buford, are you supposed to be Jeremy's little sister? You said you were gonna be something scary!
Buford: She is scary, man. She gives me the willies.
(Song stops)
Phineas: Little Suzy Johnson gives you the willies?
Buford: You don't know, man. You don't know!
Phineas: Uh. we'll catch up with you later, okay?
Buford: Wash away the horror. Wash away the horror.
(Song continues as they go up surrounded by bats)

Phineas: ♪ That is quite right, I would delight in taking flight into the night! ♪
♪ If I may give you such a fright, you know I surely would ♪
♪ But if I seem a bit extreme in my attempts to make you scream ♪
♪ Remember that this spooky scheme will cure your hiccups for good ♪
♪ One little (X4) ♪
♪ One little scare ought to do you some good! ♪
Ferb: (Laughs maniacally)
Phineas: So, Isabella, did it work?
Isabella: (Hiccups)
Phineas: I was afraid she would say that. Well, there's one more thing we could try.

(Scene shifts to Candace riding her bike down the sidewalk, Suzy's poodle still on her helmet)
Candace: (Panting) What the-? (Suzy's poodle jumps off her helmet and runs off) What the-?
(Widen to reveal her seeing the haunted house from the backyard)
Candace: I don't believe this.

(Cut back to Perry and Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: Let me get this straight. If I set you free, you'll give me the keys, right? (Perry nods) Oh, for Pete's sake, why didn't you say that, like, an hour ago? (Arm and leg restraints unlock) Oh, look, they were under your cute little platypus foot the whole time. (Laughs) Hurry, open, open, open. Now I grab my stuff. Hurry, hurry, hurry, must hurry. Seat belt, and ignition! (Engine whirring) Whew! That was close! (Laughs) Now, let's just make sure I didn't forget anything in my haste. Got my old basketball, the lamp, Christmas lights, the umbrella, Perry the Platypus, the Disintevaporator, my golf -- (Gasps) PERRY THE PLATYPUS? (dramatic shock sound plays) THE DISINTEVAPORATOR?! (dramatic shock sound plays again) MY GOLF CLUBS. I don't even play golf! Oof! (He and Perry fight) How do you like it, huh? Agh! Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Time, time, time. I got a hair caught in my mouth. Blagh. (Grunting, Laughs, Alarm beeping) Since you saved me the trouble of opening the hatch, let me show you out! (Perry falls out and hangs on by the Christmas lights)

(Scene shifts to the backyard, Candace has gotten a closer look at the haunted house)
Candace: Those two are in such big trouble!

(In the haunted house)
Phineas: Okay, Ferb, raise the antenna. Let's see if we can up the scariness factor. You see, our haunted house is powered by static electricity. Maybe we can get a lightning strike to fire things up.
Candace: (Echoing) Um, hello? Phineas? Ferb? You two are in big trouble? (Door slams, Wind blowing) (Candace runs and tries to open the door but it’s locked) Okay, you guys, stop fooling around. You guys better come out now. I'm getting really mad. (Skeleton cracking)(Candace turns around) What was that? (She then turns back around and sees a monster and screams, she then runs off into the haunted house. the monster takes its head off to reveal Milly, Ginger and Gretchen)
(Giggling)
Milly/Ginger/Gretchen: Yeah!
(She then goes into a hallway where she is easily scared)

Candace: (Screams) Stay away from me! (She goes into a room and pants)
Vampire: (Transylvanian accent) Good evening.(Candace turns on the light) It is evening, isn't it?
(Candace screams and run into some more spookables, including a Giant Floating Baby Head; The lightning rod picks up too much electricity)
Phineas: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Too much, Ferb! Too much! Watch out!
(Candace sees more spookables and runs throughout the house and runs into Buford and Baljeet; making them scream; Candace then runs through more of the house and ends up on the roller coaster and ends up in the top room)
Phineas: Candace?!
Candace: Phineas! When Mom sees that you've built a haunted house in the backyard with werewolves and vampires and a Giant Floating Baby Head? What's that even about? (Baby coos) Not now! (Baby crying) And then there was a giant Jack-in-the-Box with a suit of armor that nearly took my head off, and you--you just drive me crazy! When I tell Mom what you're doing, you are going down! Down, down, down! (walks off)
Phineas: Is there any chance that that cured your hiccups?
Isabella: (Hiccups)
(Candace enters the elevator, the Giant Floating Baby head is there as well)
Candace: Would you get out of here?!
(The Giant Floating Baby head exits; cut to Perry swinging from the Christmas lights, they loop onto the top of the haunted house. As Candace walks out, the haunted house behind her is starting to be lifted, she barely notices. She suddenly sees Linda's car offscreen and smiles)
Candace: Mom's home. Perfect! (runs to her) Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! Wait till you see what Phineas and Ferb have done!
(The haunted house starts to lift off the ground, everyone leaves, except Phineas, who gets trapped)
Phineas: What's happening? Uh, guys? A little hellllllllllllp.
Isabella: Phineas!
Phineas: (Falls, screams)
Isabella: Quick, everyone! Sashes!
(The Fireside Girls flip their sashes out like a trampoline)
Fireside Girls: Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!
(Phineas screams, bounces off the trampoline and lands in Isabella's arms)
Isabella: Now that. was scary. Hey, my hiccups are gone!
(Ferb gives a thumbs up; cut to Candace and Linda as the Fireside Girls walk out the gate.)
Candace: See? Absolute terror! These little creeps have destroyed our backyard leaving this ugly mess in its place!
(Horror music plays; Close-up on Baljeet, who smiles and waves.)
Linda: Hi, Baljeet. (To Candace) That wasn't very nice, Candace. (She walks inside, leaving Candace stunned.)

(Shows Perry on the haunted house, which is being carried by Dr. D's rocket.)
Doofenshmirtz: Here you go, Perry the Platypus. Enjoy your disintevaporation!
(Dr. D throws the Disintevaporator on the the haunted house, and the force of the invention hitting the house is enough to break the string of Christmas lights, thus freeing the haunted house, which lands in the backyard. She turns around, notices it and smiles widely.)
Candace: (deeply) Ee-ee-ee-ee. (runs inside) It's back! Mom, it's back!
(Horror music, zoom in on the timer on the Disintevaporator as it reaches zero. The machine destroys the haunted house, just before Candace drags Linda out.)
Candace: It's back! I told you! It's returned.
(Pause; Baljeet, holding his satchel, is in the middle of their empty yard again.)
Baljeet: Oh, excuse me, I forgot my satchel.
(Pause; Linda looks on in anger. Candace stares with a shocked expression on her face.)
Linda: (walks back inside, flatly) Goodbye, Candace. (Door slams)
Isabella: (Walks up) What's the matter?
Candace: Phineas and Ferb are the matter! This day was ruined, and I didn't even get to hang out with Jeremy!
Isabella: Sorry, but you know, it was the best day for me! Due to my incurable case of the hiccups, I spent an entire day showered with undivided attention from Phineas! It was wonderful!
Candace: Hiccups?
(Isabella nods, Jeremy enters.)
Jeremy: Hey, Candace. You ran away so quickly, we didn't get a chance to--
Candace: (Hiccups)
Jeremy: Sounds like you got a bad case of the hiccups.
Candace: (Hiccups)
Jeremy: Here, come on. Let's see what we can do about that. I've got a glass of water with your name on it.
Candace: (Hisses at Suzy)
Suzy: (To Buford) What? What did I do?
Buford: Heh, heh. Um, I- I'll, just uh, go.
(Ominous music)

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb under the tree; Perry sits with them.)
Phineas: That was a great day, Ferb. What did you think the scariest thing was?
Ferb: Definitely the Giant Floating Baby Head.
Phineas: Yeah.
(The ending of the Phineas and Ferb Theme plays.)
Phineas: Yeah, where did that come from?! (Ferb shrugs) Hm.
(The theme continues.)

End Credits [ ]

(Song: "One Good Scare")
Phineas: ♪ That is quite right, I would delight in taking flight into the night! ♪
♪ If I may give you such a fright, you know I surely would ♪
♪ But if I seem a bit extreme in my attempts to make you scream ♪
♪ Remember that this spooky scheme will cure your hiccups for good ♪
♪ One little (X4) ♪
♪ One little scare ought to do you some good ♪
Ferb: (Laughs maniacally)
Isabella: (Hiccups) Darn.